I’m just bummed out

I woke up this morning with a pretty ugly attitude. I kept asking myself “why is it so easy for everyone else??” I can’t say that my attitude is any better now, but I’m acknowledging the attitude. I mean, I feel like I put in everything I can in situations I feel are worth my effort. I take appropriate risks in order to gain the benefits of such risks. Sometimes I get those benefits. Most of the time I don’t. Yet I see everyone around me cashing in like we’re at the Victoria Secret’s semi-annual sale, and I got stuck with the only 32B bra that’s only available in the ugliest print sold there. I’m just going to say it…It’s not fair. So there! Things have never come easily to me…I’ve alway fought an uphill battle for the things I’ve really wanted and I’m so fucking tired. I’m literally tired, I haven’t slept a decent night’s sleep since Thursday. Yet for others they just reap the benefits and go about their lives like nothing happened and as thought they didn’t have to try very hard to gain all the good shit in life. They just keep going on like nothing! 

I’ve probably said the word “bummed” 100 times today to down play all the convoluted thoughts in my head. I’m so bummed out that I’ve over used this word. I’m bummed that shit didn’t go the way I thought it would. I’m bummed that this is happening. I’m bummed that I had high hopes. I’m bummed that I should have known better. I’m bummed I had to put pants on to get a refill on my wine because I have a roommate. You guys I’m bummed that I took a risk, and like an idiot, put 10 out of the 12 eggs I had in one basket, and now they’re gone. 

What I mean to say through this rambling of thoughts is that I am sad. But don’t tell anyone because it would ruin my street cred. and I can’t afford that in the mean streets of La Jolla. I am sad. 

Intuition

I was once told my gut feeling was wrong. That what I was feeling could not be true. To not lose trust I had for a person I loved. That this person was not capable of hurting me. I was made to feel as thought I was crazy for feeling this lack of trust. I felt guilty for a long time. As thought I was the one who had done something wrong. How could someone who loved me so much hurt me without reason? I followed what others had to say and doubted my intuition. I have always considered my intuition a gift…it has guided me through life’s obstacles and relationships with others.

Questioning my intuition ended up being a foolish move. Unfortunately, like so many do, this one instance sent me from one side of the spectrum of trust to the other. Sure, I could learn and balance my ability to trust others, but that makes too much sense. And takes too much work and risk. So since then, I have found it difficult to trust others. I have found it difficult to become vulnerable. The second I find myself becoming vulnerable, there are signs and feelings that my trust will soon be taken advantage of and I retreat. I go back to my comfort zone and my walls come back up. How do you ignore your own instinct? Especially when it has been right for so long? How much of a risk do you allow yourself to take? Do you limit your experiences for fear of being hurt? Or do you allow yourself to be continually hurt in order to possibly find and experience what we’re all looking for (a real connection with that other person)? I believe that the truth always has a way of revealing itself. Especially in this day and age where we leave our cyber footprint wherever we go and in whatever we do. The proof that supports your lack of trust is not hard to find. Or is it that we allow ourselves to believe our own press releases? Where do you draw the line? When do you believe yourself? Do you keep taking risk after risk after risk just to prove you can trust? 

I believe relationships are founded on respect and give and take. I put in what you put in. But what happens when you feel things may not be as equal as you initially thought? When are words just words without sufficient evidence? You take to the internet and blog about it hoping someone gives  a shit and offers you some brilliant advice, right?

Am I self-sabotaging?  Am I expecting too much at this point? A little bit of me says “you’re you! you deserve to ask for that much!” (that’s the sassy part of me) Another part of me says “grow the fuck up.” (that’s the part of me that is too often blunt) For now I’ll grow the fuck up and hope that I see evidence contrary to what I’ve seen lately. Keep your fingers crossed, say a little prayer, and light a candle for me.

Friends and lovers: 

You could be mine
But
You got to show me
Both knees
Skin and bone

2 weeks and counting

I have successfully survived my first two weeks at a new job and in a new city. The first few pages of this new life chapter have been exciting, anxiety provoking (I have never used that work so much to describe my feelings as I have in the last 2 weeks), and laced with some grief at the loss of connections and comforts in my life. You know…the things that make you feel safe. But the “Magic” happens outside of your comfort zone, right? I do, however, still miss the familiar and the sense of comfort it offered me. Then there are times throughout the day that I feel the excitement and sense of freedom to experience new things that are right at my finger tips and on my own terms. I get to care for just me and live a hedonistic lifestyle that I have very little experience of living, but intend to take full advantage of. I have yet to spend a full weekend out here alone though, I’ve been making my move slowly in order not to overwhelm my head and heart. Although I have always wanted something bigger than my hometown, I am fortunate enough to have been provided a loving family and home that I did not feel the need to run from. I’m one of the few lucky ones…I’ll take each and every blessing.
I’m learning new things every day that affect my career, thoughts, behaviors, and life over all. I’m learning more about myself…pushing myself a little more…and living outside of that comfort zone. I’ve made new friends, which I am very thankful for. You could have all the material possessions in the world, but without the support of a social network it means nothing and can never fulfill the true needs of the human soul.
I love the weather, scenery, culture and possibilities of my new city and look forward to experiencing everything San Diego has to offer a girl.

Cha-cha-changes

Ok…I’m not so delusional that I assume people care or even want to read my blog, but putting my thoughts down on “paper” makes me feel better and honestly I have the worst memory, so I write things so I can look back on them years from now and remember the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s just jump into it because I’m not the poetic fluffy type of writer. Last week was the week of changes. From the smallest areas of my life, the ios 7 update (which for the record is, driving me nuts) to moving from the town and community I’ve called home all my life. Only 2.5 hours from my home, I have relocated to beautiful San Diego, La Jolla/UTC to be exact. It has been where I’ve wanted to move to, however, it has not made it less stressful and/or sad (seriously, I miss my family. You can laugh all you want, but I miss my loud family and have cried over it a few times.) I love where I am, well what I’ve seen of where I am as I have only ventured out to a handful of places and know no one and have yet to dare myself to sit a bar alone and enjoy a well-deserved beer. But, the location is great, guys, I can literally walk to the mall in 5 minutes! It’s a good thing my credit at the moment is complete crap and I make no money, so I can’t get in much trouble. So far it’s just me in the apartment, I do have a roommate and will be bringing my dog over soon, but the last it has been just me in a new quiet place. I’ve learned two things:
1. I’m pretty entertaining…I mean, it has been up to just me to make myself laugh and keep myself busy and frankly, I’ve done a pretty good job.
2. I’m not as anti-social as I thought I was…I like having people around me. That’s pretty much the extent of that. I like having people around me to talk to or laugh at other people with. Whatevs.

Not only have I relocated my sweet little brown butt, I’ve also started a new job. Well more like I’ve really started using my degree and began my career! Sounds cooler and more professional that way…like “OMG she has a career! We knew she had it in her somewhere” Although I’ve only been at my job for a week now, I really like it and the people I work with. Everyone is so supportive and kind and smart…it’s a match made in heaven! That is until I really start doing the paperwork required of me…just wait for that post. Anyhow, I’m finally getting to use my education and that’s a huge deal for me because it was only 2 months ago that I decided that this might not be the path for me and began looking into other fields. I’m happy where I am and will be eternally grateful to all those who have helped me get here.
Oh, I was also kind of broken up with via text. That’s right…soak that in. Better or worse than the post-it Carrie Bradshaw got? I might be biased here, but I’m going to say worse for the following reason: after being neglected for about a week or two, I finally gave prince charming the easy way out by asking a question that was answered with a text almost literally saying he was no longer interested in hanging out with me. Not dating or being my boyfriend…hanging out. Damn Gina! Now also keep this in mind, although I did not move to my new place for said prince charming, it was nice knowing that I would have someone I considered myself to be close to, near me. Thankfully my sense of humor allows me to take the shituations that arise in life with some grace. Shit and grace in the same sentence…such a poet.

I mentioned the ios7 update…everyone thinks it’s a God sent gift to the world. I think it’s just something else to make life harder. Yeah sure…it’s a different new look and there are some cool things like…a male Siri (that loud mouthed bitch was working my last nerve), but I’m easy to please and didn’t really need the update.

The only consistent thing in life is change. However, the most important things in my life have not changed, they are the love and support my family and friends give to me unconditionally.

Here’s to a new season, chapter, and adventure in life.

A short essay…or maybe more like a short paragraph.

I haven’t written in a while because there has been too much to write about…which oddly enough discourages me from writing. I don’t know where to start and honestly, there are topics I avoid dwelling on. I’m an avoider, guys. There have been good changes and some strange fluctuations in various areas of my life. Some days I have absolutely nothing to do but play the waiting game, and if you know me you’ll know I think that patience is a lazy man’s virtue. Other days I’m running around completing important tasks that are helping me move forward quicker than I ever thought. It’s like some days life is stuck in slow motion and others it feels like someone hit the fast-forward button and I can’t catch up. This kind of back and forth has led to high levels of anxiety followed closely by anxiety attacks, which leave me stuck on stupid for too long. My anxiety is stemming from the known, the unknown, and the suspected truth. They say you can’t let things and life get to you, but when the things are important or someone means something to you, it’s hard to shake it off and walk away. In my moments of “too much time to think” I drown myself if the positive thoughts and expectations of the future, but everything in life seems be tied together and from time to time my thoughts land me back in an anxiety filled moment. In these moments I just think, analyze, try to explain, prepare myself for the worst…

Simply put, I feel as though my thoughts have me in a bi-polar set of mind, cycling quickly through emotions. 

Things will get better because they have to. I will accept that not all things can be in harmony at once. That’s not reality. But I’ll continue to focus my energy on the positive and move move move forward. 

I Golf…Kinda…

This picture was taken March 2010. It was the first time I had been out on a golf course since my senior year in high school in 2002. Yeah, I’m 28 (daaaammmnn….I know). In high school I was the only female on the golf team. Our golf team was coached by my father and my little brother was the super star. The rest boys could out-drive and out-score me like nobody’s business. They had all been raised playing golf, probably in the attempt to create the next Tiger Woods. I, on the other hand, was introduced to the game at about 15 and joined the team to please my dad (“Mija, it would be good for you know to play and will come in handy in the business world”) and because I wanted to say that I had at least played another sport besides basketball (I was not the definition of athletic in high school). I also liked the fact that golf, for the most part, was an individual sport. Soon after playing my first few tournaments, I decided I HATED golf. I couldn’t place to save my life, and although I played pretty well, it wasn’t nearly as good as the boys I was competing against. My parents encouraged me everyday to not give up and to keep playing into college. I, being the stubborn asshole I was and kind of still am, said “After high school, I’m never playing again!” I stuck it out through high school and even went to golf camp, it was local and only had 3 girls and more boys than a high school girl could dream of. Still feeling discouraged after 2 years of playing, I quit playing golf after high school. 

It wasn’t until 2010 that my mother convinced me to join her out of the golf course for a monthly event called “Hit N Misses” where beginner women golfers could get a golf lesson and play 9 holes. My mother had recently started playing and wanted to get better. I joined her on the driving range where I got the feel back and kind of enjoyed the sport once again. I played 9 holes, didn’t do too well, but better than most, and kind of really enjoyed it more. I surprised myself. For about a year or two I played once or twice a month (I was broke and in grad school, I could only afford to play once or twice a month). I never played it competitively, it was merely for fun and a way to unwind. It wasn’t until as of late that I’ve been playing more city sponsored golf tournaments with a company I recently did some contract work with and have really enjoyed the competitive aspect of it more and more. I just recently (literally, like last week recently) decided I want to get good at this game again! I have a lot of time on my hands right now and should be investing it on something I enjoy.  I went to my first lesson with a golf pro in years and one lesson alone has made a HUGE difference in my game. Although I am still broke, and yet no longer in grad school, I will be attempting to go out and play as often as I can. That means reaching out to dad and asking to tag along when he plays and getting involved in golf events. I’ve even started applying for jobs in the golf industry, TaylorMade, Callaway, Cobra, Puma, all conveniently located in North San Diego (my destination point). I may not play like a pro, but I sure know the sport! I’m pretty excited to get serious about this and set a goal for myself. It’s all part of the forward movement!

Question

Have you ever questioned your happiness, in the midst of your happiness?

Back to the Basics

Do you know what happens, Beverly, to wildlife when left alone from intellectual minds? It thrives, because thriving is its default setting. Just look at a forest. 

And do you know what happens to wildlife when given just a little direction by intellectual minds? It still thrives, because thriving is its default setting. Just look at a rose garden. 

And do you know what happens to wildlife when there is too much thinking? Yeah, what wildlife? 

I woke up to these words and I take this to mean that it is time to get back to the basics. Stop over thinking my options and just go for it. I’m kind of a wimp when it comes to these things…just doing what I need to do without over analyzing the hell of out it. I usually end up talking myself out of it and end up still stuck in the same shit-tuation. My latest struggle, just finding a full-time job and moving away 2.5 hours from where I call home. All my education and over analyzing has me stagnate, moving nowhere fast. And the lack of forward movement is making me miserable, yet I have done nothing about it. See the vicious cycle I’ve let myself get stuck in? The logic I’m using to lie to, I mean justify, yeah justify…my reasoning is that I am afraid to just take any position available (because so many are available) and get stuck there with no way out. You would think my desire to move would outweigh this, so did I. But I’m stuck! I hope these words of wisdom from the Universe help me conquer this and move forward. Keep your fingers crossed for me folks. And if you here of any good job leads send them my way.

 

Where Should I Stand?

Have you ever felt as though you don’t know where you stand? As thought your role or position in life has not been clearly defined to you? I didn’t realize how I felt until today. I can truly say that I don’t, without a doubt, know my role in many of the areas of my life. I have tried for years to define it through education, experience, relationships, etc. And yet I am still just a part-time therapist unsure of her professional future. I am merely living here until I have the chance to move there. I have a long distance relationship that has me feeling like an afterthought and single-with-a-boyfriend. Whether it is the actions of others, my actions and thoughts, or a combination of all of those things, I have unstable feeling in most areas of my life right now. 

It feels like I’m about to take a picture with someone and depending on where or who I am with, I am constantly asking “where do you want me to stand?” before the flash goes off. I see things happening around me, people moving around me, each day playing out as I stand where I am supposed to for that moment. Its almost like those nightmares where you can’t move and you just see everything happening to you with no way to influence them. You feel stuck. I feel stuck. I am aware that it is up to me to change this (so don’t start with the lectures). Now that I am aware, I know I can take the steps required to change this feeling. But I am glad I have finally been able to identify it. Because this shit is not the business. 

Mi Familia

When down and out one can choose to forget their worries by going out with friends, drinking, drowning their minds in a book, writing, etc. All of which I have done and find helpful. However, what I find most helpful and fulfilling is quality time spent with my family. By family I mean both of origin and of choice. I believe family is composed by deep relationships held between people who are blood and soul related. My relationships with these people runs deeper than friendship. It is as though our souls are in-tune. Without words we know what we feel and at times it is as though they reach out to me in my deepest time of need without my crying out for help. If you know me, you know I do not often ask for help or make it known that I am in need. It’s something that I am working on. I am a life long work in progress. But family…family is my home. It is my nucleus. When I need to regroup it is where I go. Whether it is playing a round of golf, long night heart-to-hearts and laughs, or merely 3 day weekends filled with lounging around and cooking marathons, family is always where I go to gain perspective and refuel my soul. 

My field of study was family systems. I enjoyed this topic because I believe that family, of origin or choice, is the most important and invaluable thing in life. I do not believe we were meant to live and be alone. We are nothing without our relationships. Therefore, I believe this is why relationships are so fragile. They require nurturance, a tender touch, an open mind, respect, time, love, and many other components to keep them alive and flourishing. I have found that the family relationships that I have invested in, offer me sanctuary in my times of need. And I will forever be grateful for those relationships. They are a place without judgement or opinion. They are a place of acceptance and love. 

If you cannot relate to what I am talking about, I encourage you to utilize a small portion of your energy nurturing your family relationships. Invest in them and they will repay you tenfold. If you find yourself investing more in temporary moments of happiness, in moments that are gone by the end of the night, I believe you are wasting your energy and time. That is not to say that those moments are not meant to be enjoyed from time to time, but rather, that you invest in something that will be there today, tomorrow, and even years from now. Invest in the people you choose to call your family. Because, at the very least, that is where you will find acceptance and support.